The Owner’s Problem

It was the last days of August. As Nesrin hurried to walked out of the kitchen with a tea glass in her hand, her eyes caught the calendar hanging on the wall. September was approaching. Like every mother with a school-going child, she also needed to prepare for the school season. In fact, Nesrin had already started these preparations. School uniforms, enrolling in the school bus service, buying supplies from the stationery store... But neither she nor Çağın was mentally prepared yet.

They had no good memories at their previous school. In fact, the difficulties they faced there had become so unresolvable that they had to change schools. The term "unresolvable" was Nesrin's perception. In reality, no problem in life was truly unsolvable. However, people often exacerbated their problems by giving the wrong responses, later convincing themselves that they were stuck in an impossible situation. Instead of solving these now magnified issues, they preferred to run away from them—changing jobs, moving to a new apartment, relocating their business, switching schools... Whatever caused the problem, instead of staying and fixing it, they tried to distance themselves from it. They believed this would make the problem disappear. Yet, this was just an illusion that led to postponement. And didn't everything postponed eventually grow and reappear?

Nesrin and Çağın’s problems were not beyond solving either.

Çağın had started school for the first time last year. He was the family’s only child—perhaps even their "precious gem." His parents worked together, had a busy schedule, and earned well. They pampered Çağın, making sure he lacked nothing. "We only have one child, and we are financially comfortable," they thought, always striving to provide him with everything. Çağın hardly had to put in any effort for anything—just asking was enough. In fact, most of the time, he didn’t even have to ask; things were given to him automatically. This left him lacking certain skills and abilities.

At school, the older children in the grade above noticed that everything Çağın owned was brand-new and from the most expensive brands. They played with his ball in the yard, took his pens in the classroom, and even excluded him from playing with his own ball. Nesrin started noticing how quickly Çağın’s belongings wore out or broke. After repeatedly asking, she finally got her son to open up about what was happening. As soon as she heard his story, she immediately went to the homeroom teacher, then the school counselor. However, these problems weren’t being resolved; in fact, they kept escalating. Eventually, she even confronted the principal. While Nesrin was dealing with all this, half the school year had passed, and Çağın had started crying at home and refusing to go to school.

Finally, the mid-year break provided some relief. At least they would be away from school for a while. Nesrin immediately called a travel agency and booked a vacation for the family, and they spent two weeks on holiday. Right after booking the vacation, she also went to another good school in the city and transferred Çağın there.

"We'll have a nice family vacation first, relax, and then Çağın will start his new school and finally be free from these kids!" she thought to herself.

When she told Çağın, he was initially reluctant to leave his teachers and friends. However, when he realized he would never see those kids again, he was overjoyed. And so, Çağın completed first grade. Now, it was time for second grade, and his previous school had shut down due to financial difficulties. The children from his old school were transferred to Çağın’s new school. This meant that he would once again be in the same school as the kids he had trouble with.

So, what would Nesrin do now? She was lost in thought…

Would changing to another school help? They lived in a small city, and there were only two good schools available—both of which were now out of the question.

Would talking to the other children's parents make a difference? She had tried that last year, but nothing had changed.

Would speaking to the new school’s principal and counselor help? She had already called them, and they assured her that since the children wouldn’t be in the same classroom or even on the same floor, there wouldn’t be any problems. But Nesrin still didn’t feel at ease.

Her mother’s words from the previous year came to mind. Back then, she had been so angry that she hadn’t even let her mother finish her sentence. Could her mother have been right? Could the real solution be to help Çağın become stronger and more confident? Did his lack of resilience stem from the fact that they had given him too many privileges? Changing schools had not really solved anything. In fact, the problem had only grown and cornered them even further.

She picked up her phone and called her mother.

"Mom, I’ll be at your place in half an hour. Can we talk?" she asked.

She now understood that changing schools wasn’t a permanent solution. Now, she would focus on finding the real solution. And to do that, she needed to ask her mother about this "too many privileges" issue.

"Çağıııın! Get ready, son. We’re leaving in five minutes!"

"Mom, how can I get ready? You should dress me! Also, I’m playing a game. I don’t want to go!"

"Çağın, you're 8 years old. You should dress yourself!"

As she said this, Nesrin already knew that she would end up dressing him anyway. In fact, this short exchange between mother and son revealed a lot about the root of the problem. But she would soon hear it all from her mother…

Sometimes, people take on the problems of those they are responsible for raising. They use all their resources to remove every obstacle from their path. However, when problems are constantly solved by others, individuals lose the ability to solve them on their own. Of course, we can support people in overcoming their problems. But if we truly want to help them, our support should never exceed the support they give themselves.

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                      Experiential Design Teachings and Decision-Making Themed Blog

Experiential Design Teachings aim to give purpose to a person's life.

To be happy and successful in life...

"Since the existence of humankind on Earth, the greatest friend and foe have never changed. The person in the mirror..." 

Yahya Hamurcu 

Who’s Who? The Art of Understanding People 
Mastery in Relationships 
The Psychology of Success
Mastery in Avoidance
Designer (Strategy Design)

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